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Monday, July 18, 2011

Tiger Wood Y'all, It's All Good Ya'll

The past few years I really have been wanting to go to a driving range. I personally think playing a round of 18 holes would be super boring and I am not good with things that require patience but there is something about just hitting some golf balls that seemed fun.

Friday night Brian, Clarissa, Mike and I all went to a nearby town to a driving range. I was super excited since I have been wanting to do this for awhile. Clarissa and I split 2 large buckets and we went out on the range. I totally thought I was going to rock at it, well not so much. It took me until I was almost at the bottom of the bucket to get the hang of it but now I am totally addicted. There is something calming about it. I feel like I could put all my problems in that little ball and then just smash them into the air.

After the driving range we followed up with some mini-golf at Hoopla’s, one of those family fun zone places. Usually I am amazing at miniature golf but I was not on my “A” game that night. I think I still had driving in my head because I kept hitting the ball so hard it flew out of bounds. It was still a really good time even though I came in last place.

It is a truly good feeling that people are being so supportive of my goals and being there for me when I need it. It is funny how when you are dumped you can feel even more loved then when you had a significant other. I am starting to feel so liberated and I am really taking advantage of this independence. I am so happy I am actually doing the things that I want to do and I feel like these smalls steps are just the beginning.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dreams of loneliness like a heartbeat drives you mad

Dreams, some people believe dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us things we want. Some people think nothing of dreams and should be left after you wake up.  Dreams can stay with you for hours, days and a life time.
I dream a lot more frequently then most people I know. My dreams tend to be pretty vivid and feel real. I often wake up and have to snap myself back into reality. Dreams have a way of keeping you in a place that you want to move on from.
The last week or so I have been dreaming of DB. The first vivid one my mom drove me to NY and I begged him to take me back. In my dream I was this desperate person who felt my life couldn’t go on without him. Last night I dreamt that I had to stay at his house and we were forced to talk. Then his mom wanted to kick me out and I screamed “your son cheated on me.” As far I know DB, DID NOT cheat on me but this dream made it feel so real. During the day I can force myself to not think of DB but at night the dreams take over and it is a lost cause. I wake up and have to decide if I am going to let that dream bring me down or if I am going to look on the bright side of things and leave the dream behind me. I know inside I am not desperate to have DB back in my life. I know that (even though I want an apology) I could never trust him again.
The only way to push DB out of my slumbering dreams is to focus on my real life dreams. These dreams are all the things I want to accomplish and achieve. I am happy to be starting this list and I am so grateful for the support people are giving me to get to these goals. I hope as time goes on and I reach these small achievements that I will learn to dream bigger.  The past few years my self-confidence and self-worth has plummeted to an all time low. I would get so frustrated and think that things would never work out for me. I need to make them work out for me. I definitely do not suddenly have all the confidence in the world but I know that I am the only person that can get me there. I need to start pushing myself and believing in myself. I need to see what others see.
A lot of friends told me that I was a “strong” woman but I didn’t believe. By accomplishing these dreams I hope to become the dream woman I want to be.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Becoming a Big Sister

One thing I have been saying for years I need to do is volunteer more often. A few years back I expressed interesting in joining Big Brothers and Big Sisters but it never seemed to work out. Either I didn’t follow up or the man who called me didn’t follow up. So luckily my friend Jovana works for the organization gave me an application. Usually I will wait a few days, fill out the application and then it will sit on a stack of other things that I always want to do and never seem to finish.
Today I filled out the application and put it in the mail to my friend right away. So this time tomorrow she should have my application then hopefully by the end of this month I will be a “Big Sister”. This is the start of ways I would like to help or give back to my community. Someday I would like to do some work for the S.P.C.A. but I think that might be hard because my love for all animals is so immense. I would end up with about 10 more cats then I wanted. But this is the launch of the new me. After I enter the program I will let you all know how it goes but I anticipate it will be a wonderful experience.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Beginning of the Break-Up Bucket List

Recently I went through a really bad break-up. I shouldn’t say went through, more like going through as dealing with it has seemed devastating. To give a little back ground, me and my ex (who I will refer to as DB, not the initials of his name but of what words I want to call him but I am censoring myself) dated for almost two years. During this time DB made promises of our future and marriage, things I never thought I wanted but he quickly changed my mind. So things were going great or so I thought with him and then one night it all changed. DB decided to tell me he couldn’t handle a girlfriend and school, via AIM. Yes that is right, the way you break-up with a junior high boyfriend or girlfriend, which actually happened to my best friend when we were 16. At 26 years old I was shocked. I spent the next few days in a vast black hole of self-pity. I talked to people who told me all those things you say but never want to hear. “You will move on” or “Now you can do whatever you want.” What I wanted was to lash out and just stay in bed for days. As I lied there reflecting on everything that went wrong I had an epiphany.
If I was truly happy with myself, I wouldn’t be feeling as if my world was over. So out of the fiery ashes of my relationship was born “the break-up bucket list”.
The ‘break-up bucket list’ could be defined as all the things I wanted to do while in a relationship but never got to do or things I want to do on my own before I make that kind of commitment again. I am going to spend time to work and focus on me and figure out what will bring me happiness. This bucket list isn’t going to be all crazy big things but a combination of those little things we always wanted to do but just never “find the time” and a few of those big things that make memorable experiences. So here it goes, where I start living life to the fullest and not missing out on all those things I want to do. Some of the big things I want to do are finally get my health under control, travel to Europe again and run a 5K. Some of the little things I want to do include going to a golf range, learn to kayak and go to a rifle range. These are just of the few things I want to do and each thing I accomplish and do I will write about it. 
If anyone of you want to help me achieve something on my list please let me know. If there is anything you think I should do tell me and finally if there is something YOU always wanted to do and want a partner ask me. I want to experience all life has to offer and now is the time so I hope I get tons of support from my friends and let’s get start living!