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Monday, August 15, 2011

"The soul is healed by being with children."

Well it finally happened, something I have been dreading. My little cousin finally asked me where DB went. I knew this would come. I am glad it was later than expected. If she would have asked me a month ago I would have been a wreck so I am so glad a 4 years old concept of time is skewed so she didn’t realize he hasn’t been around in a long time.
The conversation went something like this.
“Is ‘DB’ going to go?”
“Lilly, ‘DB’ and I broke up.”
“Oh, what do you mean?”
“He broke my heart.”
“He was really mean to me. But don’t worry maybe I will find another sweeter boy.”
“Oh well, there are a lot of boys around here, some of them are strangers….” Then she was distracted by conversations on the tub that Santa was going to bring me.
I adore my little cousin. She is probably one of my top favorite people in the entire world. Although she brought up something that was a sore subject for me but in two seconds she made me laugh with her reactions. Kids can do that make you forget about all the pain you are in. 
That is probably why I love spending time with her so much. When you are around a 4 year old you do not think about how will you ever love again or all the hurt you are feeling inside. You are focused on what is going on right now, whether that is being a “girl-hunter” or an “Autumn fairy”. That is why when you are feeling down you should visit the nearest kid you know. You are sucked into their world of make believe and for the moment is much better than the reality you are living.

That is one thing that bugs me about the break up with DB, I rarely let a boyfriend meet my family. It takes a lot for me to let someone into that part of my life. It makes things easier, a clean break if things don’t last. I truly thought DB and I were going to last, he quickly became a part of my family after meeting them. Lilly would play with him, my other cousins would ask him for advice; my mom would get him things for no reason so in the end I wasn’t the only one who was attached to DB.
I am relieved Lilly wasn’t upset that DB wouldn’t be coming around anymore. I feel like Lilly gets it though, she understands how hard it is to let someone in and trust them. It took me what feels like forever to get the place that Lilly and I are at. She isn’t one of those kids who love strangers and will worship anyone she meets. You’ve got to earn her affection and trust and that is how I am when it comes to being in a relationship. I don’t open my heart for just anyone. I don’t jump from relationship to relationship. I over analyze my every move in the love game. It will probably be a long time before I trust again but for the mean time I will pass my time with the ones I love most, my family and best friends.

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Wisconsin Wedding

One of my major things on my bucket lists was to travel more. So when my friend Connie asked me to be in her wedding in Wisconsin I could not say no. (I also couldn’t say no to one of my best friends since college). I rode out with fellow bridesmaid Gina and her two friends, Danny and Jess. The ride out wasn’t so bad, I drove out to Cleveland where we stayed with their friend Mike and his girlfriend.  That morning I was so nervous to be staying with people that I didn’t know but it turned out great. I knew Gina but everyone else was new to me. They all made sure to make me feel included and were really nice.
We finally made it to Wisconsin, where we celebrated with Connie and Jason at their bachelorette/bachelor party. It was a cute little bar with a mix of hipsters and your everyday worker. The night was spent reminiscing the past, plans about the future, meeting some creepers and lots of dancing.  A lot of my time was spent with Jen, Connie’s sister and my friend. It was so good to see her and made me realize I should try to see my Philly friends more often since they are only 4 hours away.
The next few days were filled with wedding details and trying to help Connie finish those last minute bridal things. I didn't get to see much of Madison but I did get to see a few of those places that locals love, like Lazy Janes, which had amazing scones and the nicest cashier.
Finally it was the big day on Saturday and we were all so excited for Connie and Jason. The day was so beautiful, a little hot but that wouldn't stop the fun and dancing. I felt honored that Jason and Connie asked me to be a part of their wedding.
Connie looked beautiful in her dress. Surprisingly I didn’t get as emotional as I thought I would have. Although during the rehearsal dinner I got a little weepy when they placed “Harvest Moon” by Neil Young, as memories of my ex and the song we shared came over me. But the joy in Connie and Jason’s eyes helped me hold back those tears and could only be happy for my friend.

I am not going to lie and say being at a wedding was easy because it definitely had it moments. I would think about the life DB and I said we would share and how things quickly came crashing down. I also watched the couples that had been married for years, months or just dating, thinking that I will never have that again. But that is what this process is about is me making sure I am happy. I shouldn’t think that no one will ever love me again. I should be confident with who I am, I think that attitude holds me back from a lot I want to do and who I want to talk to.  I am finally taking a course of action to create a better self-image and hopefully someday those feelings will subside. The bride and groom also helped me realize that it might not be over for me. Connie and Jason looked so happy and the love could be felt all over Madison. I am so joyful for my friend and her new husband. I know they will share a lifetime of love, happiness and adventures together.

Overall the trip was wonderful. I made new friends, ate at a ‘Triple D’ joint, bought tons of Wisconsin cheese and attended a beautiful wedding.