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Friday, July 8, 2011

Dreams of loneliness like a heartbeat drives you mad

Dreams, some people believe dreams are our subconscious trying to tell us things we want. Some people think nothing of dreams and should be left after you wake up.  Dreams can stay with you for hours, days and a life time.
I dream a lot more frequently then most people I know. My dreams tend to be pretty vivid and feel real. I often wake up and have to snap myself back into reality. Dreams have a way of keeping you in a place that you want to move on from.
The last week or so I have been dreaming of DB. The first vivid one my mom drove me to NY and I begged him to take me back. In my dream I was this desperate person who felt my life couldn’t go on without him. Last night I dreamt that I had to stay at his house and we were forced to talk. Then his mom wanted to kick me out and I screamed “your son cheated on me.” As far I know DB, DID NOT cheat on me but this dream made it feel so real. During the day I can force myself to not think of DB but at night the dreams take over and it is a lost cause. I wake up and have to decide if I am going to let that dream bring me down or if I am going to look on the bright side of things and leave the dream behind me. I know inside I am not desperate to have DB back in my life. I know that (even though I want an apology) I could never trust him again.
The only way to push DB out of my slumbering dreams is to focus on my real life dreams. These dreams are all the things I want to accomplish and achieve. I am happy to be starting this list and I am so grateful for the support people are giving me to get to these goals. I hope as time goes on and I reach these small achievements that I will learn to dream bigger.  The past few years my self-confidence and self-worth has plummeted to an all time low. I would get so frustrated and think that things would never work out for me. I need to make them work out for me. I definitely do not suddenly have all the confidence in the world but I know that I am the only person that can get me there. I need to start pushing myself and believing in myself. I need to see what others see.
A lot of friends told me that I was a “strong” woman but I didn’t believe. By accomplishing these dreams I hope to become the dream woman I want to be.

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