I started blogging for two main reasons to get over a bad break-up and to discover the self I had inside that I let go. The past few months I have been covering up the hurt I feel with adventures and new challenges. People tend to forget how much heartache hurts unless they are feeling it. I had a lot of friends say to me, “I feel like you two broke up a long time ago.” When in my head I could probably count day the day, hour and minutes if I had to. It has only been a few months since DB and I went our separate ways. A lot of people would be on to the next significant other right now, hell DB probably has a new girlfriend but that is just his style. My heart moves in slow motion when it comes to love. It took me two weeks to say “I Love You” back to DB after the first time he said it.
The pain of losing someone you truly love intensifies when you are let down in other ways. I recently received some disappointing news that left me feeling rejected. During the hurt of this ordeal I could only think about how I longed to call DB. I wanted to ask him how he could stop loving someone so quickly, how he could let me be in so much pain and let him know I feel like I have to completely start over.
At this point in my life I feel like I never want to love again. The pain and agony that is there after someone leaves you, makes the beauty of love feel like an ugly scar. I have always had a cage around my heart, letting people see the possibility of letting them in but always keeping it locked. DB somehow managed a way to get that key and I trusted with him with everything that I had.
The last couple weeks have seemed hard, maybe because my stress level is up or maybe because I no longer have that male companion to talk to at night. I feel like my sadness is a burden on my friends. I also know that they really can tell when the smile is fake and I am breaking down inside. I was worried about writing so honestly about how I was feeling. I am scared people would look at me as weak or crazy. It is hard to realize others have probably felt the way you do, at some point in their life. I am not sad everyday but when it comes I just feel like I am stuck in this black hole. I wish so hard to be happy like everyone I see. I do know that my happiness is not with DB, he didn’t take it when he left. It is just in the shadows and I need to find a way to let that sunshine clear away those shadows.
I am ending the blog a different way this time. I am going to leave everyone with a song. When the Adele album first came out I listened to this song on repeat and sang it so loudly in the car. It reminded me of an old friend whom I wished all the best in the world for even though there were some feelings there with both of us. Now when I hear the song, it is a whole new wave of emotion. I can feel the pain in Adele’s voice and it matches the pain my heart. The other day while driving the song brought me to tears and let myself cry as I drove home. I hope this song awakens emotions in some of you as it does for me.